“Listening is Loving” — Hector and the Search for Happiness (2014)
In every relationship I’ve ever had, I’ve been cautious to say I love you. After short dates or long nights, I was still reluctant to let the words out. Every time a man would look at me and say, “I love you” all I could see were cold eyes with no emotion. This was because I knew they didn’t mean it, and if they did, they wouldn’t in a week, or maybe even a month from now. They were just programmed to say it like everyone else.
Until the relationship I have with my partner now, I was unsure of what the true definition of love was. I did however know these few things:
- You can love someone and not benefit from them.
Sure, there are power couples, aiming only towards social and political benefits, but it’s fairly obvious that what they have isn’t passionate. It’s hard to agree with this at times, but love isn’t about money, or gifts, or social status. It doesn’t stem from your opinions about attractiveness or self-worth.
I sometimes felt that my partner might not care about me for very petty reasons. Either he didn’t like my pictures on social media, or he didn’t buy me gifts spontaneously. I learned not to expect these things from him, because eventually, when he deemed it appropriate, he would buy me a gift or like a picture, and his attention towards me did not make his love grow like I thought it was supposed to. It stayed pretty much the same because love is not based on material things.
- You can love someone and not be happy.
Love is painful. It’s an old saying; you can’t choose whether or not you get hurt, but you can choose who hurts you. It’s agonizing and at times lonely to be in love, and there is no such thing as happily ever after. Truth be told, there will always be struggles, and the ability to get through them is what makes love true.
Even sometimes, lovers might not be happy with the relationship they are in, but still have feelings of passion and love for you. My current partner battles himself internally with depression, but his love for me is the same. At times I may cheer him up, but I cannot ultimately cure his problems in the end. This is because love is not the answer to everything, it is simply one of the many variables in your life.
- You can love someone, and have no affect on them.
Love can be as strong as a wave, or as little as a ripple. That being said, you can dodge a wave, and ignore a ripple. Sometimes love, no matter how pure, will not receive reciprocation. At times it may feel like the people who you think you might resonate the most with, turn away from you without a second thought, and someone else’s love might leave you indifferent or callous. It’s when it gets under your skin that it might become a bad thing.
In many of my relationships I have found that when a new person enters the picture, that I don’t happen to be particularly interested in, I end up feeling guilty to the point that I cheat on my partner with someone who meant nothing to me, and ruin a once good relationship. You should never feel guilty about who you do or do not love. This causes a dishonesty of the heart.
Love is ever changing and unpredictable. It’s the kind of thing that you can’t control or fix, as much as you might want to at times. It is the same as when you’re feeling sad, or when you’re feeling happy. The emotions you feel cannot be washed away. Listening is loving because loving is not as special as it seems.
The phrase ‘I love you’ is just another acknowledgement you pass on the street. It’s an act of kindness, or a silent gesture, or the look you get when you see them in the morning.
Real love is the kind that need not be said, or returned, or acknowledged.
The phrase just is. Love.
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