Why I Stopped Loving and Started Listening - Draft II - For EJ

“Listening is Loving” — Hector and the Search for Happiness (2014)

In every relationship I’ve ever had, I’ve been cautious to say I love you. After short dates or long nights, I was still reluctant to let the words out. Every time a man would look at me and say, “I love you” all I could see were cold eyes with no emotion. This was because I knew they didn’t mean it, and if they did, they wouldn’t in a week, or maybe even a month from now. They were just programmed to say it like everyone else.

Until the relationship I have with my partner now, I was unsure of what the true definition of love was. I did however know these few things:

1. You can love someone and not benefit from them.

Sure, there are power couples, aiming only towards social and political benefits, but it’s fairly obvious that what they have isn’t passionate. It’s hard to agree with this at times, but love isn’t about money, or gifts, or social status. It doesn’t stem from your opinions about attractiveness or self-worth.

I sometimes felt that my partner might not care about me for very petty reasons. Either he didn’t like my pictures on social media, or he didn’t buy me gifts spontaneously. I learned not to expect these things from him, because eventually, when he deemed it appropriate, he would buy me a gift or like a picture, and his attention towards me did not make his love grow like I thought it was supposed to. It stayed pretty much the same because love is not based on material things.

2. You can love someone and not be happy.

Love is painful. It’s an old saying; you can’t choose whether or not you get hurt, but you can choose who hurts you. It’s agonizing and at times lonely to be in love, and there is no such thing as happily ever after. Truth be told, there will always be struggles, and the ability to get through them is what makes love true.

Even sometimes, lovers might not be happy with the relationship they are in, but still have feelings of passion and love for you. My current partner battles himself internally with depression, but his love for me is the same. At times I may cheer him up, but I cannot ultimately cure his problems in the end. This is because love is not the answer to everything, it is simply one of the many variables in your life.

3. You can love someone, and have no affect on them.

Love can be as strong as a wave, or as little as a ripple. That being said, you can dodge a wave, and ignore a ripple. Sometimes love, no matter how pure, will not receive reciprocation. At times it may feel like the people who you think you might resonate the most with, turn away from you without a second thought, and someone else’s love might leave you indifferent or callous. It’s when it gets under your skin that it might become a bad thing.

In many of my relationships I have found that when a new person enters the picture, that I don’t happen to be particularly interested in, I end up feeling guilty to the point that I cheat on my partner with someone who meant nothing to me, and ruin a once good relationship. You should never feel guilty about who you do or do not love. This causes a dishonesty of the heart.

Love is ever changing and unpredictable. It’s the kind of thing that you can’t control or fix, as much as you might want to at times. It is the same as when you’re feeling sad, or when you’re feeling happy. The emotions you feel cannot be washed away. Listening is loving because loving is not as special as it seems.

The phrase ‘I love you’ is just another acknowledgement you pass on the street.  It’s an act of kindness, or a silent gesture, or the look you get when you see them in the morning.

Real love is the kind that need not be said, or returned, or acknowledged.

The phrase just is. Love.

Why I Stopped Loving and Started Listening - For EJ

“Listening is Loving” — Hector and the Search for Happiness (2014)

In every relationship I’ve ever had, I’ve been cautious to say I love you. After short dates or long nights, I was still reluctant to let the words out. Every time a man would look at me and say, “I love you” all I could see were cold eyes with no emotion. This was because I knew they didn’t mean it, and if they did, they wouldn’t in a week, or maybe even a month from now. They were just programmed to say it like everyone else.

Until the relationship I have with my partner now, I was unsure of what the true definition of love was. I did however know these few things:

1. You can love someone and not benefit from them.

Sure, there are power couples, aiming only towards social and political benefits, but it’s fairly obvious that what they have isn’t passionate. It’s hard to agree with this at times, but love isn’t about money, or gifts, or social status. It doesn’t stem from your opinions about attractiveness or self-worth.

2. You can love someone and not be happy.

Love is painful. It’s an old saying; you can’t choose whether or not you get hurt, but you can choose who hurts you. It’s agonizing and at times lonely to be in love, and there is no such thing as happily ever after. Truth be told, there will always be struggles, and the ability to get through them is what makes love true.

3. You can love someone, and have no affect on them.

Love can be as strong as a wave, or as little as a ripple. That being said, you can dodge a wave, and ignore a ripple. Sometimes love, no matter how pure, will not receive reciprocation. This is why love, could be considered the same as a basic human emotion. Sadness can turn into depression, as joy can turn into happiness. The phrase “I love you” can one day transcend itself into a kind of knowing silence. The phrase need not be said, or returned, or acknowledged. The phrase just is. Love.

The Serpent's Garden

        I stared persistently at the flowers that's genre I could not perceive. My mind was blank. This one faint, distant sound kept ringing in my ear: "Hissss". The sound of the piercing serpent. He was awaiting our eyes to meet. My neck drew near to peering down.  "Resist!" I'd say, "Resist! For the serpent knows your ways!" I could not bear the intensity; I had to, and I did. 

        The serpent immediately started to meander towards me, and I stumbled in reverse. His scales smoothly felt the ground in sync with his notorious hissing. Shaken and dazed, I looked for anything to protect myself, but what in a greenhouse would you find protection? A vase: Tall, slender, gold, and filled with power, but... I threw it and it missed by an inch. The serpent chuckled.

        "This is no time to play silly little games, my child." He hissed again. I rested. I couldn't remember... Why would I always pause to remember this? I knelt down to the serpent and peered into his eyes with audacity. The one thing I had yet to notice: They were purple; A bright, vibrant shade of purple that did nothing well to blend into his succulent, golden body.

        The serpent hissed yet again, "What? Do you think I won't consume you?"  He harshly leached his fangs into my wrist and I receded. He was callous to my pain. I held my hand against my wrist, stopping the blood to some extent. "Hisss" Once again the serpent started, and he continued to delineate my reversed trail. At this point, I was terrified by the beauty this serpent held. 

        To cover my path I tossed furniture against the floor, grabbing anything, anything that would stop him in his tracks. I tried... I tried to get the few others to look. I'd tell them to look, to just look at it, but it only caught one of the gardeners glimpse. She stumbled, trying frantically to find it again, but, only to her, the serpent moved too swiftly. 

        This place was so reverie, I was beginning to become faint...but I reached it! I grabbed the door, hurriedly letting myself inside and shutting it behind me, but...

        "Skye! Wait! Hold the-"

        I had slammed it just before the gardener got in. "Foolish child." The serpent hissed in a misfortune tone. The sound of whipping proceeded after this one message: "You're all deceiving." Sounds of ripping and gashing filled my ears, and then...

        There was silence. 

        I was not aware of the situation I was being put in at that moment. The last words the gardener heard from the serpent were, "Sleep away..." And she did. She slept in a dream that had already ended...

        A dream that had ended because I had just died.

What Am I?

Gray and controlled, can't decide on my own,



A lovely rose, and heinous crow.



Not shallow, not smart,

You've swallowed my heart,

I wish I could see,

What you are, times three.



Gray and controlled, 6000 years old,



A lovely rose, and heinous crow.



Not real, no heart,

Lost through your art,

Your dreams demise

Might just steal my mind

With a few more tries,

And with no lies.



Gray and controlled, can't decide on my own.



A dying rose, and heinous crow.

Ten to the Hour

Why, resorting to dreams does no good.

Dreams are nightmares, In waking thrones,

A kiss of the jewel

Means a mark of the queen.

How long till my conscious is clean?



Avast, avast, the aviators,

Where cracks in walls are just what tore.

Everyone screams, "Healthy people!",

But healthy people hit my core.



Sickening larvae spurred within,

But okay by me,

In an hour and ten.



How sour, how sour,

My love's first devour,

When the clock on the tower

Strikes ten to the hour.



With all of the power,

The pain of that hour,



My conscious screams,

"It's ten to the hour!".



So I did freeze,

Not at the sight my abandoned hollow,

Not by the drugs from my core,

But by the the clock singing Ten to the Hour.



Ten to the Hour,

And not another love devoured.

Ritualistic Nothings

Delicate Sharps.



     Hearth would blow wind sometimes, but it depended on what season it was. Regardless, I fed his soul every night, and having the essence of waves seeping into my pores seemed to calm my nerves, to some extent. He was fairly quiet around me, though I'm sure he had billions to say. He might actually disregard my presence if his mouth were mobile and his eyes weren't so high. I was not important. Only what I fed him mattered. If I became deceased, he could easily find another pedal to serve him delicate sharps.



Walrus Burns.



     Hecate would stick needles in my mouth sometimes, but it depended on the time of day. Regardless, I fed her soul every night, and having the bristle sprouts of sunshine fill every corridor in my core seemed to calm my nerves, to some extent. She was fairly quiet around me, though I'm sure she had billions to say. She might actually disregard my presence if human emotions and hunger did not take it's toll. I was not important. Only what I fed her mattered. If I became deceased, she could easily find another nine to serve her walrus burns.

Know No Logic With Dearest Ancribay

I adore what you came for,

Why you knocked on the door,



But I grieve and I cry

Because I'm made up of reality dye.



Ancribay,

She'll never stray,

I'll hold her in arms.

Safe, and unharmed.



Ancribay,You're so annoyed,

Treat me like a toy,

And hang me by strings,

And trust me with lies.



Trust me to truth,

But hold me to lies.



The fun will never die.



Ancribay, hold me in your arms,

Don't be alarmed.



I'm just a doll,

Ancribay,



Inanimate objects don't have any choice,

So they stay.



Trust me to truth,

But hold me to lies.



Ancribay,



I'll hold her in arms,

But I'll stay completely alarmed.

Nursery Rhymes, Death Sentence Crime, Equity Lines

Abundant lies,

She heard, and she cried,

As the heart of her home,

Rasped, sad and alone,



But it grasped her hand,

Held on to the land,

And wished to take her places below.



Her heart would ache,

And it's song would shake

The bombs and shades,

Her very soul, it would take.



Through static of rapture,

And towers of aperture.

Every heart would be captured,

For the sake of the chapter.



She'd crush for revenge,

For the lies would never end,

But she'd carry her home,

As it rasped, sad and alone.

Metatron Veins

After I saw the perfect display,
A model so sharp,
But acute, and so out of place.

I took my hook and I trapped my eye,
I kept all of my world inside.

And, you see, I didn't understand,
Whether it was hope or demand.

I could not grasp the concept in which the water flow would end.

My veins would freeze,
And the dark night would tease,
I could not grasp... "What is this disease?"

Low, and deceased,
By thoughts never ceased,
He mourned in the night...

Or was that my thought?
My demise?

Trust not to the daydreams,
Trust not by the numbers.

Dear, try not to scream.

Stick a needle in your arm,
And by all means...

Let the water flow,
Fall as low as you can go,
He'll be there,

Holding you in arms,
Untouchable arms,

But...
You two,
You're safe, you're unharmed.

The Little

You're like a friend,

But your condensations contend,

With my problems,

And meet where my mistakes end.



This is a game you play,

Wicked, sadistic.

Playing doll with your influences,

And worshiping your prey.



And you say that you pray,

And you'll play this game all day.



Maybe you don't recognize your surroundings,

Or maybe your lies are too far up for any grounding,



But your still a friend,

And, god damn, does that suck,



But, hey, I'll put up with you.

And if I were like that again?

Could you put up with me, too?

Cauliflower Beets

I'm not for surroundings,

I'm sick of the grounding ,

Of roots
And pedal's still defeat.



I hope you can see me,

My heart can't keep reaching
For that holy place I shall keep.



How I'd long for the day

My love ran astray,
And crawled itself back, just to be alone



I regret what I've done,
The past Hasn't come


To give me my heart, and keep the world atoned.



I hope you will see the crippling hope inside of me

That'll show me how much I can love you,
Will love you.



But, glorious cauliflower

Your emotions might shower
And wither my tears away.

The Thorns of May-Be

With a harsh tone,
My Hearth had heard...
Unrecognized, he recognized
I was only noting that I was alone...

And with lobotomy he dug into my brain,
But maybe our emotions might keep us more sane.

He saw nothing, no where,
Seeing right to my temporal,
But he found a small seed
It shouted, in carol.

"Upon my thorn I curse thee,
Upon thy thorn I curse me.
She is no longer worthy.
And her heavy burden screams of violet and green."

Hearth shook, and rasped.
He turned paranoid and rash.

Though he thought for the good of me,
He thought for the wrong of he...

For, just maybe...
The only problem was of his roots,
And his roots attached to unwanted things...

So just maybe, if he thought just hard enough,
With his empty head, and hollow heart...

He'd see this future opportunity,
And just how great the taste of water will be.